back to the past

ok, so i lied. i have news. well, i didnt have news when i made my last post, but now there is. so J and i broke up. i feel like i should be way sadder, since hes a really good guy, but i guess thats kinda the way it goes... part of it was that he was getting worried that some1 would find out about us (like some1 at school) and that he would be in a shitload of trouble. i mean age of consent is 16 so thats not a problem, but since hes a teacher, they probably wouldnt like it. but part of it was because of me 2...lots of times i didnt think that J was quite good enough, but idk if i really gace J a fair enough chance...i think a part of me was always comparing him to my dad, and i think taht thats kinda an unfair standard.

i wonder if thats something that everyone has to deal with in relationships? like if whenever u find a new person to be with, if u can ever really stop urself from comparing them to your past relationships. and i guess when theres still a part of u that wants 2 go back, its probably not fair to the new person. but like, how else do u move on if ur not going back out and looking for new people? but i guess if u keep going back 2 the same person after each new person, ur not really moving on, huh? idk if im really making sense. i havent been getting enough sleep because im up late studying, and finishing up college aps and shit. cant wait 2 be done with all this shit.

anyways, let me know what u think? any advice, suggestions, or anything. or even just random thoughts about the meaning of life, lol! i guess theres more than one person reading my blog now since 3 people voted in my poll. :) hey everyone! i promise im not always lame! keep coming back, and ill have new stuff XD!

bye!

a lighter mood

ya, so it's thankgiving now, woo! honestly im not that stoked, but it's nice to get time off of school. i know its just high school, and its not supposed to be a big deal, but it really sucks a lot to suddenly have no friends. but anyways, i said this was going 2 be a lighter post then my last few ones were. so ya, the good news is me and J have a sorta system working out now. i decided 2 tell him that i was looking for something less serious then he was, and he was totally cool with it. he said that he just likes to think about future stuff even if hes not ready for it yet. apparently i was just being psyco paranoia girl, lol....if u ask some people thats me a lot, but idk. i mean, ive had a couple open relationships b4, and it mostly worked fine. well i mean, obviously we broke up eventually, but thatwas just cuz we didnt get along anymore. the open stuff was fine. i guess i wouldn't reccomend it, since it can be really hard sometimes, but it worked anyways for me. but ya, me and J are totally doing good now. we can get together most nights for a bit, and we have time on the weekend too.

but ya, so ive got one other problem tho...J kinda wants me to tell my dad about us, and i kinda do too, but theres really no good way to bring it up, lol. i can't be all "o hey daddy, so ive been fucking this 33yo guy for a couple months now. o ya, and hes a teacher at my school. but dont worry, daddy! hes not my teacher anymore since i switched classes. o and thats why u had to sign that form for me to switch." not really sure what 2 do about it though. i mean, obviously if it does get serious, i have 2 tell him eventually. and if i wait its going to get worse. idk...maybe i'll spike his drinks at thanksgiving and tell him then, lol! XD that should work.

Something Real

ok, so i said i might write sumthing real sometime, so here goes. so i've been seeing this guy for a while now, and it's been getting kinda serious (like more serious than i'm really up for...i mean, i'm only 17, lol). so this guy, i should prly tell u guys about him. for one thing, he's older. like a lot. like almost twice my age older. which is cool with me. i like older guys as a general rule. hes' definitely older than most guys i've gone out with though. before him the oldest guy was only 5 yrs older then me. but yea, this guy (J) is really great and stuff, but he wants to get serious. i mean not physically, like emotions and stuff. i like the physical stuff. i mean he's fricking great in bed. and i like him, but he said he loves me and idk if i can really say it back. what should i do?